dolphin in wave

dolphin in wave

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

It is a little un-nerving to jump into these waters for a person who has done such a fabulous job at hiding her inner-most and even sometimes outer-most soul for a life time -- BUT -- I  have reluctantly been drawn into the world of blogging.  Don't get me wrong I know it is a good thing -- a growth thing.
A wonderful lady I met on face book - Michelle - gave me the strength to do this when I visited her blog through a face book post (my favorite internet home) I saw on a group page for POTS.
She was beautifully and perfectly imperfect.  Living with the same disorder I do but somehow doing it with more grace and acceptance than I had been able to find.
I thought she was so funny and brave to go online for the world to see all of her weaknesses!  WHAT!!??

Then there is another face book friend of mine who has written a book that I can not wait to read and he is hilarious!  Ricky is one of the people I have added to my inspiration list this year.  I would have added him regardless of his having Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy but that fact just makes his story all the more sweet to me.  His strength and positive outlook is an inspiration to me.
So I started to think that maybe it was time now that I have hit my 40's years to allow myself to be more open.  To let others -- strangers even -- in to see my vulnerable side. <quivering>

My mom has worked hard to get me to take this step of course as any good mom does and my friend Julie "the Queen" has also been instrumental in pushing me into accepting the fact that I am a straight up mess and that is OK!
So all of this work to get Niki to accept herself for less than perfect has tipped the pot.  I am a blogger now!
When I log on I am sure I will be nervous and waiting for comments from people like the ones that appear on youtube.  You know the ones who only want to break someone down and make them cry for sport.  I accept that challenge because for years I have been trying to teach my son to accept himself for who he is and I have been living a double life because I have not accepted my own physical disability as a part of who I am.

I don't show people I am sick...they will hurt me.
I don't allow the pain to is weakness.

This idea of being vulnerable is very foreign to a German heritage woman who's favorite motto is, "TOUGHEN UP!!"  although if I look back I can clearly see how life created that motto not I.  I have been sick most of  my life and it has made it's mark on my soul.  I am different.  Not always for the better but nonetheless different.
I am the wounded animal under the bush trying not to be seen by the predators who want nothing more to tear her apart and spread her heart around to feast on.

I am not a writer.
I usually don't speak up at parties -- except for the half dozen or so soap box issues that I feel confident enough in voicing my opinion.  So why in the world would I venture onto a blog?
I guess if you care to read along with me we will find out together!


  1. As your loving husband of 10 yearsn I too have seen the up and down life that you lead. From taking care of your family and going to school full time, it is truly amazing at what you have accomplished with our children and our family as a whole. It is our turn to be the ones that will hold you up in life and give you what you need. I will be there for you always and forever.

    Your loving husband


    1. I love you and thank you for being my safe place to fall! When we first met I often mentioned my fears of having to go back to a life of POTS and loosing you was deep within that fear of it returning. Now that this old nemesis is back with me and now in our families lives as well I am so grateful that he didn't run you away...yet!

  2. "beautifully and perfectly imperfect", that may be the loveliest compliment I've ever been given Niki. I'm so glad you've decided to start your blog. I think it's so important to reclaim our own voices, lets face it if we don't tell our story no one else will. And wow Sean, you're comment made me tear up. So glad Niki has someone to support her like that. Go Niki!!

    1. Your words inspire me more than you know! I am inspired and daunted by your wonderful way with words you are so talented. I am not here to impress though and you have reminded me that I am no longer on trial as my imagination has held me captive in for so many years due to past experiences as a youth.
      Thank you so much for your kindness

  3. I love your first entry and wanted to say Welcome to Blogland! It's not as bad as it seems, though I do understand how scary it can be. This is different from sharing your thoughts and feelings with people you already know and care for, as your thoughts will be shared with anyone who reads your blog. However, blogging can be a wonderful outlet for those emotions and thoughts, so that is one good thing. Another good thing about blogging is it can and will put you in touch with other people who share your interests and experiences (similarities) and provide you with new friends and support.

    I look forward to reading your entries and getting to know you better! Again welcome to blogging!

    1. Thank you so much! I am just now returning to the blog after setting it up - sometime life does not leave any time for blogging lol Your words have warmed my heart and given me courage to continue. I hope to make it more of a habit and look forward to getting to know more about you as well.